I tried to escape, I wanted to but something whispered to me not to be afraid, not to be ashamed.
And suddenly it dawned on me that I had to do this. It's been some time already, 5 years to be exact.
We all gathered in that chapel. It seemed different that night. Father Hansoo started speaking about surrendering. The same message he delivered one time at a mass at St Ignatius Loyola. However it hit me real hard this time.
Surrendering. Surrending to God.
I refused. I was ashamed.
When 'Here I am Lord' started playing, tears just ran freely from my eyes. I felt His presence embracing me slowly, cuddling me and I realised all He wanted me to do was to say "Here I am, a sinner".
One by one, people started picking up tissues and went out.
I looked up to the cross in front of me and remembered what Father Damian said
"I looked at Him, He looked at me,
and I looked at Him, and He looked at me
and I looked at Him, and He looked at me."
The feeling after everything was done was overwhelming. I cried still.
After I calmed myself down, I looked back at what I've done and I no longer felt pain, no longer ashamed.
It was really a burden lifted off my chest.
5 years for everything to accumulate.
Like Father Hansoo said, confession's analogy is like keeping your room clean.
Why do you clean your room? Because you don't want things to accumulate and got hidden.
When big things cover those little things, you won't be able to see the little things that are hidden under big things.
And this is why we need to consistently clean the room so that little things won't accumulate to big things.
At 2.00am, I knelt in the chapel alone, knowing that I am loved just the way I am, no matter what I did and what I will do.
