S.A.D

It's winter again. The look of white snow everywhere is just depressing, especially when you were just back from a warm place like Orlando.

I cannot describe what I am feeling now. Depressed is not enough. I guess it's a case of S.A.D again

I really missed Disneyworld and Universal Studios.

What was it that I missed about Disneyworld you would ask? I'm not quite sure myself. Yes, I am in a state of confusion.

Maybe it's because I know that I will not be going there again. Maybe it's because of the pretty and amazing musicals, shows, parades and fireworks that I witnessed. Maybe, just maybe for certain reasons I cannot uncover now.

However, I did not feel Christmas there, despite the decorations, music and the large crowds of people, for Christmas was not meant to be that way. To be lost in a sea of people and yet still feel lonely, you know the reason why.

I went on a lot of scary rides in Universal Studios and Disneyland. I used to wonder why people love scary rides. Now I know. They love the adrenaline pumping in their bodies, the excitement and surprise the rides bring them.

School's going to reopen soon on 2 Jan. At least I can keep myself busy with something. Till then, I hope winter won't get me down

=(

希望

有时，最好不要拥抱希望，因为希望导致更大的失望.

因为我觉得害怕会失望, 所以我不想拥抱希望.

我现在只能祈祷, 祈求上帝帮实现我的要求.

S-U-M-M-E-R

Foooohh, a real long getaway!! 2 months i suppose...I'll roughly tell you what's up so far......

It's the first summer of my life. The weather here is not much different from what I experienced back in Malaysia. Hot, and HUMID.

My 2nd year in Mississauga flipped by and I am entering third year soon. I used to complain how slow time had been for me, but now, I would like to slow it down a little bit. Guess humans are always like that. I have just entered 2nd semester of summer school. If you are wondering what course I am taking, it's Chinese and Management.

And people will usually wonder why I would want to take Chinese. I'd like to read and write, though i doubt I'd be able to recognise characters on PPStream after this. Maybe 20%....or less. But, nevertheless, the class is fun.

My boxy chinese characters

I am volunteering for Bikeshare (an organization on campus that provides bike rentals to UTM students) and I also biked a little. I will do more these few days before it starts getting cold again. I also volunteered for Canadian Cancer Society in June for Relay for Life. It was tiring as I didn't sleep the whole night, but it was nice to see people fighting for their loved ones, who are suffering, had died or recovered from cancer.

The luminaries in memory of...

I also went to Missi's Carassauga Festival, all about diversity and the cultures of multinations. Too bad they didn't have Malaysia this year. The best would be Hawaii with their performances in coconut shells.

And also, it's the first BIGGER celebration for wei wei (my housemate) on her birthday too.

The oreo birthday cake

I also went to Centre Island in downtown Toronto for Dragon Boat festival, but ended up visiting the booths that were there and later in the evening, crammed into a karaoke room in Toronto.

In a dragon boat on display

In a mini theme park on Centre Island, Toronto

Malaysian Murtabak on Centre Island

Super Junior's Sorry Sorry Chinese Version

Panorama of Toronto from ferry

In short, summer courses are fun and relaxing, as compared to fall-winter school time when the timetable is packed full.

Summer time is also a time where I learnt a lot of things, where I find my long lost self, at least the person that I once knew still exists.

There are more to come. Canada's wonderland, for instance. I hope I can overcome my fear of height and speed and take Behemoth, Canada's biggest, fastest and tallest roller coaster. Even a ferris wheel ride used to freak me out (or probably still does). Well, I'll have my fingers crossed for now.

A lot of things complement each other. How one thing cannot function without the other.

Just like a table and a chair. One cannot go without the other. Size matters too. A tall chair won't fit a short table and the other way round.

Just like a lock and a key. Not all keys can open a lock. The little teeth matter.

What is a radio without speakers, a car without wheels, a bed without mattress.

Most importantly, who am I without you.

It was something simple, something really simple that made my day

Identified victim: Lilian Wong

Crime scene: SB 2074

Estimated time of death: 11am-12pm

Cause of death: Excessive bleeding

Main suspect: The one and only, Mr. Organic Chemistry

A picture tells a thousand words

I got myself a bottle of wine yesterday, make that my FIRST bottle of wine.

I am not an alcoholic, mind you.

Waited the whole night yesterday until after dinner to taste a sip of it


only to realise,

I forgot to buy the wine opener

*scratch head*

One hour passed...

*scratch head*

Another hour passed..

*scratch head*

3 hours passed...


And then the skies turned grayish-blue and you think, "what have i been doing the whole day?" *scratch head*

The rainbow.

I want to capture the rainbow. The flawless separation of colours, amazingly captivating

March....

Spring when are you coming?

Sick of carrying winter jackets here and there.

Can't wait to wear flip flops + shorts

Can't wait to feel the sun.

Can't wait to see the flowers bloom.

Can't wait to feel the rain again.

I got to distract myself.

Distract. Keep myself busy.

Keep. me. away.

Something I learnt,

Global warming isn't just about warming of each place on earth. Some might get hotter temperatures, whereas others might experience colder climates.

Total randomness at 2.00 am thanks to geography

First time

I miss the first time I stepped into kindergarten. The fact that I didn't cry on first days of schools was partly fake. I remember in my second year of kindergarten, seeing my dad leaving me in that small chair (which I would like to go back and have a seat in it) and waving goodbye. I actually felt a big lump in my throat and little tears welling in my eyes. Tears did not fall anyway so the truth was I never cried on first days of school.

I miss the first time I stepped into secondary school. The feeling of being a newbie with lots of hormone-fuming teenagers around me while I was being naive and a goody.

I miss the first time stepping into Taylor's for ICPU and into Casa Subang. Casa Subang was heaven before news start to spread. Meeting new people in ICPU, both that would and would not have the same destiny as I did.

I miss the first time coming to Canada, the excitement that I had, so overwhelming. A place so new, much to discover.

I miss the first time I experienced snow, wearing only a thin sweater and screaming like some drunken crazies at 3.00 am.

If you realised, these are all the first times of my life that I truly cherish and these feelings that I could only recover through my memory. There is always a first time for everything. Some that I don't want to remember, some that I want to relive again.

The list goes on and I'm hoping for more of that feeling.

For the first time....

Lost and found

My heart stopped. Oops I did it again, I lost my T Card right after the day I nearly lost it.

I searched frantically, right after geography test, traced back my steps to where I sat during test. It was like magic, poof and gone into thin air.

Gone. Gone again.

I had to leave the class for another, so I did a thorough search on the ground.

I walked like a zombie to organic chem class. Can't pay attention and I kept thinking about my T card.

Right after class, I went to the T card office to ask for lost and found. As expected, they told me to come back and check again.

My tummy no longer grumbled so I carried my heavy feet up to the third floor and into the Campus police office.

I had lost hope, but it was worth a try.

I entered, knocked.....said "hi....has anyone turned in any lost T cards?" then swallowed my saliva.

The woman behind the counter asked for my last name, then my first and then my student number.

And like magic she handed over to me THE card.

I heaved a big sigh of relief, happily said thank you and slid out of the room.

I'd really like to know who found it, and where. Curious @@

But whoever it is, thank you very much because you have saved me $3 or more!!!! ^^

That very night changed me. There was something deep inside of me. Guilt, fear, unbearable pain.

I tried to escape, I wanted to but something whispered to me not to be afraid, not to be ashamed.

And suddenly it dawned on me that I had to do this. It's been some time already, 5 years to be exact.

We all gathered in that chapel. It seemed different that night. Father Hansoo started speaking about surrendering. The same message he delivered one time at a mass at St Ignatius Loyola. However it hit me real hard this time.

Surrendering. Surrending to God.

I refused. I was ashamed.

When 'Here I am Lord' started playing, tears just ran freely from my eyes. I felt His presence embracing me slowly, cuddling me and I realised all He wanted me to do was to say "Here I am, a sinner".

One by one, people started picking up tissues and went out.

I looked up to the cross in front of me and remembered what Father Damian said

"I looked at Him, He looked at me,

and I looked at Him, and He looked at me

and I looked at Him, and He looked at me."

and I felt true love, so I stood up and went.

The feeling after everything was done was overwhelming. I cried still.

After I calmed myself down, I looked back at what I've done and I no longer felt pain, no longer ashamed.

It was really a burden lifted off my chest.

5 years for everything to accumulate.

Like Father Hansoo said, confession's analogy is like keeping your room clean.

Why do you clean your room? Because you don't want things to accumulate and got hidden.

When big things cover those little things, you won't be able to see the little things that are hidden under big things.

And this is why we need to consistently clean the room so that little things won't accumulate to big things.

At 2.00am, I knelt in the chapel alone, knowing that I am loved just the way I am, no matter what I did and what I will do.

It feels nice to pour out what you welled inside of you. I guess it'll feel better to tell it to the person you intended to tell it to, or maybe not.

Chinese New Year is coming soon but not so lucky this year, I have tests one day before and on the first day of CNY.

CNY just makes home sick even home sicker!!

And CNY with snow around you just doesn't make you feel like CNy at all.

I'll just have to stand seeing CNY with snow for 2 more years